Fade Out
by Wandering-Recluse
Summary: Someone special decides to visit Angel's funeral....


**I decided to go for another one shot (as of now I'm too scared to do a more than that ha ha.) I really hope you enjoy this one. I'm not very good with titles....I know. I got this one from Adam Pascal's song Fade Out from his album Blinding Light. **

**RENT (c) Jonathon Larson.

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I walked through the doors of the church and immediately stopped. I wouldn't be welcome here. I put my head back and closed my eyes in pain. I was half an hour late anyway, why had I thought that I could just walk in here?

Still, the message my brain was sending obviously didn't matter much to my feet. They drew closer towards he end of the hallway. If I stepped through the partially closed doors I would be in the main part of the chapel. I could hear the noise from here.

"…more of a man then you'll ever be…"

"….help them find the Circle Line…"

"….so much more original than any of us…."

Suddenly my legs felt like they could not support my weight. I fell back against the wall and slid down so I was sitting on the floor.

I suppose some part of me was desperately hoping that this was all a lie, that he…wasn't really dead. How could he be? He was so full of life.

But I could tell by those voices. The ones that he spoke about in his post cards or the occasional phone call that I never picked up. They were Mark, Mimi, Maureen. If I hazarded a guess the rest of his friends would be there as well. Maybe even Benny had showed up.

Then I heard it,

"Live in my house

I'll be your shelter

Just pay me back with one thousand kisses."

_Collins._

This time my chest felt like it was being torn apart. This was the man that he had given up everything for, his lover and best friend. The man he had fallen in love with.

For a moment the profoundness of the scene touched me, that and the man's obvious pain and grief. The coat he was holding onto, it seemed as though he were clinging to it as though it were the only connection he had left of Angel. Maybe it was. I didn't know.

Then, they all made a connection. One that I wasn't a part of and one that I would never be a part of. All I could be was an outsider.

The funeral ended and I left before the crowd rushed out. But I followed them to the graveyard. I didn't go with them to see him buried of course. But I waited for them to leave. I had to smile when they decided to go get drunk.

I eventually got out of my car and walked over to the grave. I stared down at it, hardly able to believe that all that was left of him was this headstone and memories. It was though he had just faded out of our lives.

I tilted my head back and looked at the clouds, hands stuffed in my pockets and eyes closed as I tried to come up with the right words to say.

"Angel…

I know I haven't been a good mother lately….or ever. I guess. It was just hard for me to accept you as you were. Your father and I were so busy raising your brother and sister that we didn't really pay much attention to you.

I wanted to apologize for how we reacted when you told us about your….gender preference. I have to admit that I suspected that you liked men far before you admitted it to us. I think I realized it when you were five and asked for a pair of sensible heels.

I'm just glad that you had Grams there for you. Her cheerful moods always did affect you in the best ways. I know that you lived with her after your father disowned you. I'm just happy that you did have someone to live with after.

I should have been there for you Angel. Because you were _my_ Angel. Your father, though he won't admit it, is mourning for you. I wish I could have done this while you were still here and could give forgiveness.

I'll…I'll try to bring your father here Angel. I know how much his approval meant to you. And I'm….sorry. This should have never happened. "

With that I turned around, and took one last look at the headstone of my son. It had been so long since I had called him that it felt unfamiliar in my thoughts. Then my eyes locked on the inscription on the headstone.

_No Day But Today_ .

I finally let the tears flow, but this time I had a smile on my face.

As I walked through the trees I thought I heard a faint whisper of the wind. I stopped to listen.

_I forgive you mom…._


End file.
